Gratitude

Here I Am

~ Carrie ~ Leave a comment

I legitimately cannot believe how long it’s been without a post here. I’ve missed this space, but it’s been important for me to live my life privately these past few years.

I went back to school. Because what else was there to do during covid?! I graduated this spring with a degree in interior design. The funny part is, I always knew that’s where I’d end up; I just needed a little detour along the way. (That was literally my answer to what I wanted to be when I grew up for almost 10 years.)

I bought my first house. (And am heading into my third winter of shoveling quite a long driveway…) It has been one of the best decisions of my life–and quickest! I moved in one month after first seeing it online!

I got a puppy. She is the cutest little stinker there ever was. Literally, stinker. Who knew cavaliers like to run away?! But I know she’s meant to be a part of our family. God knew it had to be completely undeniable for me to not back out at the last minute!

All the kids I was lucky enough to love and watch grow up for most of my twenties are now in school. This has been the most bittersweet part of the last few years. So many tears have been shed for each “last” that we’ve shared and it makes me both happy and sad to see the Instagram updates and wonder when they got so TALL! Some of them have now outgrown me and I am not okay!

My faith life and community has blossomed into something I could never have imagined back in 2020. The friends that have come, gone and been there since the beginning. The groups I’ve been a part of. So many events, conferences, retreats, etc. The babies I now get to love on in the nursery. All the ways the Holy Spirit has moved and pushed me to move. My baptism. An upcoming mission trip. I hate that it’s so cliche to say “I’m blessed.” Because I truly truly am.

And now here I am. Trying to figure out what comes next and how everything will come together.

A thought that’s been voiced in my family quite a bit lately is that 40 feels pretty great. So many parts of life are known. I know it’s not this way for everyone, but for both my parents and my brother and sister-in-law, 40 brought a lot of security. They know what they’re doing and where they’re going career-wise. They know who they’ll grow old with (God-willing). They’ve now met all of their children. They’re in their forever house. Loans are disappearing and they’re enjoying more financial freedom to do what they’ve always dreamed of. They’re in a sweet spot.

But I can feel that I am too. As I approach the end of my twenties, I’m starting to get an idea of how things will come together and just make sense. For so long this blog just felt like some insignificant blip in my past. Something I’d wave off if it ever came up in conversation. But why then, is it on my heart again so strongly at this moment in time?

In all honesty, (and if you’ve been here before, you know I’m nothing if not honest) so much of my faith journey right now is centered around finding my voice and becoming more confident in it. Living my life freely without thinking about the eyes peering through the windows (story for another day!).

I know my parents are worried that I’ll never find my way at this point, but I just have this feeling that we’re all going to look back at this time in my life and see how crucial it was and how it led me to exactly where I need to be. Where I’m called to be. All of those things I talked about at the top have without a doubt been the biggest developments of the last 3 years. And I know they all play a role in this moment because I felt a previously unknown peace about them all. Even when the doubts crept in, and they did, I kept pushing through because I knew deep down that what I was stepping into was right.

It’s hard to know what to do in a waiting season. But sometimes that’s the point. Trusting God, being open to His direction and following the peace seems to be reminding me what He placed on my heart and in my life from the beginning.

I’ll be real with you and say that I don’t know if this is going to become a regular thing again. But I promise to follow through if I feel the nudge to share more.

Heartbreak & Inspiration

~ Carrie ~ Leave a comment

This summer has been so weird…what’s new for 2020? It’s been the most heartbreaking summer of my life and also one of the most beautiful and inspiring.

I’ve been feeling a lot of guilt about not writing about the aforementioned heartbreak. And honestly, as I’m thinking through this right now, I’m realizing that there was more than just one big heartbreak. There was one that was acceptable to grieve in public and one that was very much reserved for only my most private moments.

Publicly, we put down our dog of 14 years at the beginning of July. The decision was made quickly, but the 2 days of waiting destroyed me over and over and over again. I’m grateful that it wasn’t traumatic for him; it was just time. He was a much dimmer version of himself and was obviously hiding a lot more pain than he wanted us to know about. His personality shone bright on his last day, though, which was bittersweet for me because I was so happy to see glimpses of my puppy again, but also didn’t want to say goodbye after that.

Cocoa, my best bud. 2005-2020

I feel like he deserves an entire post, but I’m also seeing the beauty lately in keeping things closer to home. I just finished a picture book with nearly 400 pictures of him (in chronological order, of course) that I know will be well worth the effort when I’m feeling nostalgic and want to remember the truest friend I’ve ever known. I’ve been lucky enough to be able to confide in friends, new and old, about this strange new world without my furry shadow’s constant companionship.

Which brings me to the private heartbreak I’ve been battling lately. (It kills me to know that I’ll be able to write more about this than my best friend dying, but I’m trying to work on acceptance.) I can’t get past the feeling of being a burden. I can’t generalize and say that this has been a problem all summer. June was amazing in that I felt so connected to all my people. That’s a very rare thing for me, but I felt so valued and loved and I’m wondering if maybe I got a little complacent? Things just felt so good that I may have put in less effort, leading me to July.

It wasn’t even like things changed because my dog died, it was literally like a switch flipped on July 1. I started feeling really insecure in my relationships again. I had plenty of feelings to share (enneagram 4) but didn’t feel like anyone would want to listen. Turns out July is still one of the busiest months of the year in the middle of a global pandemic. And guess who has never had a busy July in her life! And guess who really struggles with her feelings come July because she doesn’t want to bother her friends who are busy living! And guess who had real grief to work through and would’ve loved to have shared with someone!

Okay, enough with the guessing. It’s me and it sucked. This has always been a challenge for me, but it’s a different kind of challenge when I actually have people in my life who are willing and able to support me and I don’t believe them because of my past experiences. I was present for every group event, every video call, every Sunday service, but very rarely was I ever actually engaged in community. I am obviously very aware of the never-ending quality of my emotions. Happy, sad or the millions of variations between–they’re always all-consuming. I walked into these new relationships with the assumption that, like me, they had all grown weary of my ever-changing, all-consuming emotions. I didn’t give them the opportunity to prove me wrong. So I continued to withdraw.

Until I realized what was happening and started reaching out to my closest friends and apologizing. I, of course, was reassured that apologies weren’t necessary and that support is exactly what community is about. Naturally, I then swung 180 degrees and, without getting into details, things didn’t end up the way I expected.

This week I was left feeling uncertain. Something happened with a friend that opened my eyes to the reality of my situation. I feel like it can only change things for the better, but I also feel like a lot of hard work is going to be required to get there. Because July is so busy for so many people, everything was called off this week. And one more little thing: after hearing about multiple covid cases at my church and myself and my employer developing a few mild symptoms (hello 2 day week!), I became convinced that I had it. (I later tested negative.)

But, miraculously, if you were to ask me how my week was, I don’t think I’d hesitate in saying that it was the best one I’ve had in a long time. I kept thinking all week that it felt like a vacation! A vacation with friend drama, coming to terms with a hard reality and threat of covid? Best week in a long time? Yes!

Being a 4 on the enneagram, (everyone is entitled to their opinions, but I love the enneagram!) I put a high value on authenticity. Even though what happened with my friend wasn’t fun and some of the things that were said were hard to hear, it felt authentic. I think I handled it as well as I could have at that point and it ultimately really changed my perspective.

I had already decided that I needed a week off before things started getting canceled, so that actually felt really validating for me.

In all honesty, my “covid” symptoms were so mild and came and went so fast that I was never actually convinced that I had it. I knew that it was a definite possibility with cases being reported at my church and one of them hit a little close for comfort, so I decided to play it safe and get tested. I also live with my parents, who are both older than 65. One of them is much more concerned than the other, so I wanted to be able to provide some peace of mind.

But the bright side of having a 2-day week and no plans was that I now had an opportunity to focus on me. Self-care it up! Let myself just sit and admire a view. Or read a book. Or go to bed insanely early. Or stay up writing. Or leave my phone. Or finish a picture book to honor my best friend. Or do a crossword. And then a sudoku. Or go for a walk. And then another. Or do yoga. Or make an insanely delicious dinner that requires planning. And then do it again the next night. And then make apple pie for dessert. Or finally start watching the last season of “New Girl.” (All good things must come to an end. But, why?) Or walk around in amazement of God’s creation and try to capture it from every angle so it’s never forgotten.

Or sit on the porch at sunset and try your darnedest to forever attach this view to your new favorite song. (No, it’s definitely not Taylor Swift…it’s also definitely not named after my favorite month, which today just happens to be the first day of…)

I also happen to be reading “The Ruthless Elimination of Hurry” by John Mark Comer. (Not done with it yet, but so far I highly recommend it!)

I had the same number of hours in this week as last and the one before that. The reason this week was so much better was because even though I had every excuse to make it a terrible week, I prioritized things that bring me joy. Because I labeled it a self-care week, I was more conscious of incorporating activities that fed my soul. Not to say that I didn’t have unpleasant moments, too–hello, covid test, fussy children and anxious parent.

July was mostly about pushing through. Pushing through hard situations and emotions and constantly putting myself out there (without actually putting myself out there) in pursuit of growth. This week was about being present. Plans went out the window and I didn’t know if I was going to be able to make any plans moving forward, so I was forced to sit in the present and find the joy.

And as it turns out, I learned way more about myself by sitting in the present than I ever did in the pursuit of growth. Instead of constantly trying to find myself, I sat with myself and observed.

I have no idea what this month or week will bring, but as things inevitably return to “normal,” I’m going to try to spend more time observing than searching. If authenticity is the goal, how can I ever get there without observation?

Faith

~ Carrie ~ Leave a comment

My, my, my. How things have changed!

As I reread my last post, I realized that everything I was worried about has actually been a bonus during this–here it comes–unprecedented time.

Without a doubt, my lifegroup from church has been the biggest game changer during this time.

Just before everything shut down, the leaders of my group decided to start shaking things up with the hope of developing deeper bonds outside of our usual weekly meeting. Boys and girls split up for discussions and one night we completely ditched our usual routine and went out for milkshakes instead!

I had dinner with one of the leaders a few days after the milkshakes and that really solidified things in my mind. We got to know each other a little more and in so doing, I felt like I had really gained an ally in the group. I was assured that whatever I was comfortable with was enough. A lot of my fears and worries about the group were washed away that night.

Then the world started to change. And we were forced to adapt. We took it online (hey, zoom!) and got crazy about consistency. There were a few weeks when we wouldn’t have met in person, but decided that this was not a time to be taking breaks. We met earlier or for a shorter length of time if need be, but we’ve met every week.

There have been a few weeks of transition, in one way or another, that have triggered my anxiety and brought back a lot of the doubts I thought I had gotten over. There have also been a few weeks that I wish the call never ended.

But I can trace everything back to three things that made all the difference. At the beginning of this quarantine, I told myself that I wanted to make the most of it. I didn’t want to let it just slip by. I didn’t know exactly what that meant at the time, but looking back I can see that I eventually got there and made a lot more progress in the most important areas of my life than I ever would have without the quarantine.

It took me a few weeks, but I eventually realized that this was a perfect opportunity for me to get to know some of the girls from the group better in a way that was already much more comfortable to me: through a screen. That didn’t come through talking more during the zoom calls–I was assured many times that my quiet presence on the calls is important too. This came through texts and facetimes. Naturally, it didn’t always go the way I wanted, but, man, I wouldn’t change any of it. I love our little group and am so excited that there’s no end in sight!

The second thing that made all the difference was this. My church released a new album, Altars, a few weeks ago and it has made me so proud to call River Valley home! I, of course, recognized a few of the songs from worship, but the first listen through the whole album was definitely emotional. It’s been my go-to when I need a pick-me-up or when I need to sit in feelings I’ve been suppressing. It’s taken my faith to another level. I obviously recommend taking a listen!

Speaking of taking my faith to another level, the combination of Altars and the sweet girls I’ve been getting to know more deeply has shaken me. In a good way! I had never prayed with such frequency or intention. I had never noticed God in so many minute details. I had never actually wanted to read the Bible. I had never craved worship music so much or been less interested in popular music. Bottom line: I had never invited God into my daily life. But having those powerful influences in my life has completely changed me.

It’s hard to wrap my mind around all that has changed this year. I remember the beginning of this journey, almost 2 years ago, and feeling a little nudge to buy a devotional and not telling anyone about it for 6 months. Then I bought another one. Then I bought the first in a long line of Christian and/or personal development books. I started to share my journey with my best friend at the beginning of 2019, started therapy almost exactly one year ago, went to my church for the first time last August and lost what I thought was a lifelong friend about a month later.

Then things kicked into high gear. My faith got stronger with each month as I started to find my identity in the church community and in my daily life. I found my campus and my group. Then quarantine happened and became a natural transition point into a life I would’ve had no way of imagining a year ago.

I was looking through my prayer journal about a month ago and was able to directly trace back the nudges along the way to my strongest friendship in our group. There’s nothing quite like that. It was so crazy powerful to see that God put this person on my heart before I’d ever met her, lead me to where we are now and left breadcrumbs for me to look back on. I shared this with her and it led to the most honest and meaningful conversation I may have ever had. It makes me really emotional because I’ve never had a relationship with God so clearly at the center. I’ve never had a friend to share “faith updates” with. It’s never felt especially accepted, much less encouraged.

I never thought I’d be this person, but, you guys, God is good. He made the most of this quarantine for me.

He’s putting bigger things on my heart now and I can start to see the roadmap. I just need to keep moving forward and trust Him.

Doing Life Together

~ Carrie ~ Leave a comment

It feels like everything has changed since I last posted. I’ve started writing so many times, but it never felt important or finished enough to publish. But I was struck by something in church this morning and knew that I wanted to write about it. Like I said, it feels like everything has changed and there’s only one reason why:

I joined a lifegroup at church.

I’ve been writing that in one of my journals for months now and it feels so strange to be at the point where I can stop writing it and admit that I am a part of a lifegroup.

Every church has groups that you can join, mine just happens to call them lifegroups, because the intent is to do life together. There are big and broad groups, like for the men and women of each campus, and there are small and specific groups, like pick-up hockey games. The one that I ended up joining is a smaller group under the umbrella of a much larger group meant for twenty-somethings.

I caught the last night of their fall season last year and, honestly, didn’t know how to feel about it. I felt like I was probably the oldest in the room and the newest to this level of faith. I had never chosen to be a part of a community of (so many) people who seemed so different than me. It was also hard coming in so late in the game, after connections had already been formed. I let myself just be an observer that night, only contributing to the prayer requests at the end.

The beginning of the next season was almost 2 months later. I wasn’t looking forward to going, but knew that I had to. I got there early to ease my fear of walking into a room full of people and was touched when the leaders actually remembered me and thanked me for coming back. There were plenty of familiar faces, but lots of new ones too. I felt so much more confident just knowing the few people I did from the last time. It was definitely helpful during the name game! (Stupid icebreakers!) I, again, allowed myself to be an observer during the discussion and only contributed to the prayer requests at the end.

It just got easier after that night. I found myself drawn to a few people and looking forward to bringing both good and bad news to the group. I opened up about my friendship woes of the past year and my frustration with my dad’s current health scenario. I drove to a new place almost an hour away for a worship night because I wanted to be a part of the inevitable conversation about it the next week. The best part of that night was surprising the leaders of my group so much that I was greeted by a “IS THAT CARRIE?! We’re so glad you came!”

Of course, the more I’ve been around them, the more I’ve realized we’re more similar than I thought. Isn’t that always how it goes? I also realized that as new people show up every week, I’ve become a low-level insider just by being there. Remember a few weeks ago? Yes, I do! I was there! I know exactly what you’re talking about!

Recently, I was telling this to my friend who initially brought me into this church and I felt really proud of myself for making connections outside of her. I loved telling her about the group and the random connections I’ve found with a few of the girls. This was a change for us, as she’s usually the one telling me about all of her new church connections.

Reflecting on it later, it almost made me sad to think about the comparison, because at least my friend’s connections are coming from a stable place. Meaning, the vast majority of people in my lifegroup are either in college, about to graduate from college, or recently graduated from college. That’s a very uncertain time and there are already conversations about people going off for internships or grad school or med school or looking for jobs in other cities. The people my friend is connecting with are, for the most part, settled. The people I’m connecting with, for the most part, are not. There’s also an end date with the lifegroup and I realized I’ve been treating it like it will be the same forever.

Back to this morning. Today was the first time I really felt like it was my church. I’m not a visitor anymore. The few months I’ve been attending my campus, I’ve felt a little ashamed to be at one of the “family” campuses, not one of the young adult ones. But the events of the past few weeks have showed me that it’s okay to feel at home both at home (literally the campus most like the church I grew up in) AND somewhere new, lifegroup.

The thing that I love about this church is that it doesn’t matter which campus you attend, everyone hears the same message and is a part of the same church. So I can go to one of the “family” campuses and still be able to talk about the message with my lifegroup who all go to the young adult campuses.

It all just came together and felt right.

Screenshot 2016-01-18 14.26.24

Empowerment

~ Carrie ~ Leave a comment

I made it! I made it through the crazy marathon kid week! We staved off boredom by getting all the monsters together for a playdate, which was insanely chaotic, but also fuel for my soul. I loved it. I loved the chaos!

My old anxiety buddies have been trying to make a comeback this week, but I’m not letting them. I can recognize when things could spiral and have been channeling that energy into healthier things, like yoga, exercise in general, reading, writing, DANCING IT OUT, and researching and cooking healthier meals.

Today, for example, my parents are gone until this evening and I prioritized my well-being by skipping church this morning. I had never really considered that an option, but I knew that I needed to let my mind and body recover from last week and simultaneously gear myself up for this coming week. So I took my sweet time this morning. It took me 3 hours to get out of bed, do my yoga, and get ready. I made my new go-to breakfast, got the paper and started the crossword.

But as I was nearing the end of the crossword clues, my parents were suddenly invading the bubble that I had created and I lost my focus. After they left, I decided to curl up on the couch and get sucked into Youtube. 45 minutes later, I decided it was time to snap out of it. I had built up this day in my mind and there were things I wanted to accomplish and that just wasn’t going to happen if I stayed on that couch.

So I got up, turned on some tunes, threw on my new neon pink hat that instantly makes me happier and danced like no one’s business. When the first song ended, I paused and wrote down the goals I had made mentally while laying in bed last night. Then I grabbed my computer, set it on my dresser and started writing.

I took a break to reread the notes I’ve taken from all the personal development books I’ve been reading lately and reminded myself why it’s so important for me to take those notes. I now have a journal filled with inspirational, motivational and some tough love quotes that I can go back to when I’m in need. I think this needs to become a Sunday ritual to get me pumped up for the week ahead.

You guys, the sun literally just came out! After a gloomy morning, the sun just made an appearance! If that’s not a sign…

I don’t know how to describe this journey so far, other than to say that I feel like I’m unlocking a part of myself that I didn’t even know existed. I didn’t know I was capable of feeling this way. I had never seen potential in myself. I was always counting on other people for everything. Make me happy, make me a path, make me feel strong, make me feel loved, make me feel important. And damn it, that’s not their job! There’s only one woman for that job and her name is Carrie.

There is so much FIRE in that. I literally just pumped myself up! I am writing this in front of a mirror and I can’t stop looking at the woman in front of me. I have a stupid big grin on my face and, honestly, I’ve never experienced this feeling before.

I just looked up the definition of empowerment, and damn. That’s it.

Empowerment: the process of becoming stronger and more confident, especially in controlling one’s life and claiming one’s rights.

Is there any better way to end?!

I promise to Carrie on, but I just can’t keep calm right now!

Screenshot 2016-01-18 14.26.24

 

Here We Go!

~ Carrie ~ Leave a comment

I’m not going to lie to you. This has been a challenging season for me.

I’ve been productively focused inward for almost 3 months now. I’ve flip-flopped on whether or not to do therapy more times than I can handle. I’ve devoured personal development books and podcasts. I’ve added 2 more personality tests to my list. I added one more devotional to my daily routine. I signed up for online coaching. I started writing in a physical journal, which feels very different than writing in my digital journal. I have a journal specifically for ideas from books and podcasts that inspire me.

I’ve felt more connected, but also very distant from my family. At different points throughout the past 2 months, I’ve given my parents glimpses of this journey, but I’ve never let them in completely. And if I’m going to be really honest, I only did it to hurt them.

But one of the biggest things to come out of all of this is that I realized that I had my friends confused. I thought one of them was all about the feelings and the other was all about the fun. But I accidentally found out that Ms. Fun was doing the exact same thing. She was devouring all the things. We started sharing recommendations with each other and, really for the first time in our friendship, started talking about the harder things.

I treated her to dinner this weekend as a very late Happy Birthday and thank you for holding down the fort while we were in Hawaii last month. The conversation always seemed to come back to our personal development journeys and both of us opened up about hard times in our past that we had been hiding from each other. Keep in mind, I’ve known her since the first day of first grade. How we managed to keep anything from the other for that long is beyond me. But there we were, baring our souls. Supporting each other. Encouraging each other. There aren’t words to describe what a gift that is.

I know I’ve always taken her for granted, because she’s always just been there. But to have someone who has known me forever be right there beside me as I continue on this journey is nothing short of incredible.

But I need to talk about something else as well. Going back to the therapy decision–Ms. Feelings has been urging me to think more seriously about it for about a year now. I took major steps for me last fall. I did my research, I reached out and was rejected and rejected and rejected. I gave myself a break from that train of thought while on vacation (other than throwing it back at my mom in a heated conversation), but thought I should give it one more shot after we got back. So last week, I took the first steps toward reaching out to someone new. But when it started getting real, I lost my nerve.

And in the course of my conversation with Ms. Fun, I realized that I really need to give myself a shot at it. I am not the same person I was a year ago. I have already dedicated so much time and energy to becoming a better version of myself every day. It has become my purpose this year. I have had endless motivation for almost 2 months now.

This is not just another phase.

And with my best friend by my side, I feel like I can really do this.

I’ve been thinking about some of my concrete goals for the year and that has led me to thoughts of what I want this blog to be. This year, I am choosing to embrace the things that scare me. Despite the fact that I’ve had this little blog for 4 years (?!), one of the scariest things is actually letting people in on my real thoughts. I am going to do my best to be open and take you along on my journey. Because, ultimately, it was other people’s openness that motivated me to be better.

What a way to start the year!

Here we go.

Screenshot 2016-01-18 14.26.24

Looking Back Fondly

~ Carrie ~ Leave a comment

I had yet another amazing weekend! This summer seems to have been filled with amazing days, nights and weekends. I wonder why that is…could it be an outlook change?

The weekend started with a bang! I brought my best friend to the Taylor Swift concert in Minneapolis Friday night. It was my fifth TS concert, her fourth. We went to the first 3 together. She had lost interest after high school, but I remained a loyal Swiftie. I didn’t have to do much convincing to get her to go with me because the memories were already a part of our relationship. It would’ve felt wrong going with anyone else.

The thing about this concert, though, was that I felt like it was really aimed at the nostalgic fans who had been there since the beginning. So even though my BFF hadn’t listened to any of the current music, she was still able to sing along with a lot of the songs and we were still able to reminisce about the last time we’d heard the songs live.

I am not a dancer. (Probably for good reason.) But I was dancing and screaming and eating up all of “this is the best crowd” lines! I was so in the moment and I just couldn’t believe that that many people liked Taylor at least as much as I did. I’m surrounded by people who pride themselves on not liking mainstream music, so I often feel like a loser or a chump for liking it. So it was really, really nice to be surrounded by that many like-minded people.

But every song had a memory attached and that’s what really sent me over the top. This time I realized that she has memories attached to every song, too. I remember after seeing One Direction in Chicago years ago, I was really disappointed to realize that they were just 5 teenage boys. But every time I see Taylor Swift live, I’m so relieved to see that she’s just another twenty-something trying to figure everything out.

Okay, fangirling over. It was a magical night for me, but the best was yet to come.

Friday was also my brother’s fifth wedding anniversary and they threw a huge “dream reception” in the prettiest park around on Sunday. Family was trickling in all week, but our houseguests arrived Saturday. We brought them to a new little speakeasy in town (hello, girls’ nights!), got milkshakes at the cute, little 50s diner, took a little riverfront walk and picked up some gourmet popcorn before heading home. They joined us for church the next morning and we managed to fit in a little bit of shopping before party prep started. I love showing off our town and I love having the extended family around!

We got to the park hours before the party started to help with anything and everything. I was, of course, in charge of the kids (who hadn’t had naps…). It was really nice to have some quality time with them before the crowd came, though. I traded off kid duty with my dad and my sister-in-law’s mom all night so my brother and sister-in-law could enjoy their guests.

After getting family and group pictures, my brother gathered everyone together and thanked them for coming and being a part of their marriage. Then he said he wanted to thank a few people who they could not have lived without these past 5 years. Guess who the first thank you was…

Me.

He thanked me and his wife’s brother for always being willing to drop everything and help them with anything. And then he asked everyone to give us a round of applause.

I swear I almost cried.

Selfishly I’ve always really wanted that validation that they appreciate what I do. But getting it was just so much better than I ever imagined.

They both pulled me aside later and thanked me again for being such a big help.

Gah.

There are circumstances in our family’s history that have made our relationship awkward at times, but it felt so good to be so loved and appreciated by my brother. I realized that he’s not going anywhere. He’s not going to give up on me. And I’m not going to give up on him, either. We’ve got each other for life.

That was kind of the theme of the summer. I realized who was really there for me and who wasn’t. I really learned to appreciate who and what I have. I will always look back fondly at the summer of 2018.

But I’m so ready for fall!!

Screenshot 2016-01-18 14.26.24

All Our Love

~ Carrie ~ Leave a comment

I’m a year older today.

Yes, today was my birthday.

In a lot of ways I really do feel older. A lot of the situations I’m facing now are decidedly adult. I never fully understood the phrase hard choices until recently.

But I also don’t feel any different than I did 5 years ago.

The day felt much, much different, though, than last year.

Last year the day basically came and went. I wasn’t working, and my parents did go along with my wishes, but that’s all they did. Actually, it’s not fair to my dad to say they. He really tried to make the day special for me. My mom just went along. I never heard a “Happy Birthday!” from her, never got a card signed “Love, Mom and Dad.” My niece and nephew were also with us all day, so that’s a different dynamic all on its own. We did the birthday stuff, but it didn’t feel special.

This morning, on the other hand, I was greeted with smiling faces, “Happy Birthdays” and hugs. After completing my civic duty, I headed to my other kids’ house. I had to work today and we really didn’t do anything special, but I was greeted with more smiles and “Happy Birthdays,” and gifted some cupcakes and a sweet homemade card from the kids. Their parents wrote a nice thank you note on the back. That would’ve been enough, right? Around lunchtime the kids’ grandma stopped by with a card and gift. I mean.

After the youngest went down for her morning nap, I noticed a voicemail from my brother. They all sang to me and my niece, obviously a little bit confused, kept insisting that she wanted to talk to me.

I really wasn’t expecting anything at home. My parents were gone for the evening–having dinner with some of my mom’s siblings. I was looking forward to coming home to an empty house, maybe going for a walk and getting ready for the evening.

When I walked into the kitchen, I saw flowers and cards from my parents. All our love, Mom and Dad. Cue the tears.

I was touched, to say the least, but I had to get over it and get ready for dinner.

I went out for margaritas with one of my best friends in our little waterfront hometown. This was especially rewarding because, try as we might, we hadn’t seen each other in about 4 months and a lot had happened! It was so fun to catch up and just hang out! At some point during the meal I mentioned not being used to all the attention I was receiving and she just simply replied, “Well, we all love you.”

Quite a different experience from last year.

When I got home, I decided to enjoy the sunset and take my dog for a walk and as I was admiring the sky, I started reflecting on the day and, I’m serious, I literally felt a wave of gratitude just wash over me. All of these people took the time and effort to show me they care. I’m important, I matter to them. After having some rough years when it comes to that subject, it was overwhelming to come to that conclusion.

I thought about all of the times throughout the day I had said “Thank You.” And it struck me that I was in the moment and truly felt the gratitude as I said those words. Every time. But it felt bittersweet, because I can’t shake the feeling that things won’t be the same this time next year. Maybe that’s for the better, but I couldn’t let myself focus on that too long, because I wanted to soak up every last second of daylight. I couldn’t (and still can’t) let this day go.

I want to bottle it up for all those ordinary days. But while I still have the house to myself, I’m going to let myself bask in it. How many times in life do you feel truly special and completely loved? I think I owe it to myself to enjoy it.

Screenshot 2016-01-18 14.26.24