This summer has been so weird…what’s new for 2020? It’s been the most heartbreaking summer of my life and also one of the most beautiful and inspiring.

I’ve been feeling a lot of guilt about not writing about the aforementioned heartbreak. And honestly, as I’m thinking through this right now, I’m realizing that there was more than just one big heartbreak. There was one that was acceptable to grieve in public and one that was very much reserved for only my most private moments.

Publicly, we put down our dog of 14 years at the beginning of July. The decision was made quickly, but the 2 days of waiting destroyed me over and over and over again. I’m grateful that it wasn’t traumatic for him; it was just time. He was a much dimmer version of himself and was obviously hiding a lot more pain than he wanted us to know about. His personality shone bright on his last day, though, which was bittersweet for me because I was so happy to see glimpses of my puppy again, but also didn’t want to say goodbye after that.

I feel like he deserves an entire post, but I’m also seeing the beauty lately in keeping things closer to home. I just finished a picture book with nearly 400 pictures of him (in chronological order, of course) that I know will be well worth the effort when I’m feeling nostalgic and want to remember the truest friend I’ve ever known. I’ve been lucky enough to be able to confide in friends, new and old, about this strange new world without my furry shadow’s constant companionship.

Which brings me to the private heartbreak I’ve been battling lately. (It kills me to know that I’ll be able to write more about this than my best friend dying, but I’m trying to work on acceptance.) I can’t get past the feeling of being a burden. I can’t generalize and say that this has been a problem all summer. June was amazing in that I felt so connected to all my people. That’s a very rare thing for me, but I felt so valued and loved and I’m wondering if maybe I got a little complacent? Things just felt so good that I may have put in less effort, leading me to July.

It wasn’t even like things changed because my dog died, it was literally like a switch flipped on July 1. I started feeling really insecure in my relationships again. I had plenty of feelings to share (enneagram 4) but didn’t feel like anyone would want to listen. Turns out July is still one of the busiest months of the year in the middle of a global pandemic. And guess who has never had a busy July in her life! And guess who really struggles with her feelings come July because she doesn’t want to bother her friends who are busy living! And guess who had real grief to work through and would’ve loved to have shared with someone!

Okay, enough with the guessing. It’s me and it sucked. This has always been a challenge for me, but it’s a different kind of challenge when I actually have people in my life who are willing and able to support me and I don’t believe them because of my past experiences. I was present for every group event, every video call, every Sunday service, but very rarely was I ever actually engaged in community. I am obviously very aware of the never-ending quality of my emotions. Happy, sad or the millions of variations between–they’re always all-consuming. I walked into these new relationships with the assumption that, like me, they had all grown weary of my ever-changing, all-consuming emotions. I didn’t give them the opportunity to prove me wrong. So I continued to withdraw.

Until I realized what was happening and started reaching out to my closest friends and apologizing. I, of course, was reassured that apologies weren’t necessary and that support is exactly what community is about. Naturally, I then swung 180 degrees and, without getting into details, things didn’t end up the way I expected.

This week I was left feeling uncertain. Something happened with a friend that opened my eyes to the reality of my situation. I feel like it can only change things for the better, but I also feel like a lot of hard work is going to be required to get there. Because July is so busy for so many people, everything was called off this week. And one more little thing: after hearing about multiple covid cases at my church and myself and my employer developing a few mild symptoms (hello 2 day week!), I became convinced that I had it. (I later tested negative.)

But, miraculously, if you were to ask me how my week was, I don’t think I’d hesitate in saying that it was the best one I’ve had in a long time. I kept thinking all week that it felt like a vacation! A vacation with friend drama, coming to terms with a hard reality and threat of covid? Best week in a long time? Yes!

Being a 4 on the enneagram, (everyone is entitled to their opinions, but I love the enneagram!) I put a high value on authenticity. Even though what happened with my friend wasn’t fun and some of the things that were said were hard to hear, it felt authentic. I think I handled it as well as I could have at that point and it ultimately really changed my perspective.

I had already decided that I needed a week off before things started getting canceled, so that actually felt really validating for me.

In all honesty, my “covid” symptoms were so mild and came and went so fast that I was never actually convinced that I had it. I knew that it was a definite possibility with cases being reported at my church and one of them hit a little close for comfort, so I decided to play it safe and get tested. I also live with my parents, who are both older than 65. One of them is much more concerned than the other, so I wanted to be able to provide some peace of mind.

But the bright side of having a 2-day week and no plans was that I now had an opportunity to focus on me. Self-care it up! Let myself just sit and admire a view. Or read a book. Or go to bed insanely early. Or stay up writing. Or leave my phone. Or finish a picture book to honor my best friend. Or do a crossword. And then a sudoku. Or go for a walk. And then another. Or do yoga. Or make an insanely delicious dinner that requires planning. And then do it again the next night. And then make apple pie for dessert. Or finally start watching the last season of “New Girl.” (All good things must come to an end. But, why?) Or walk around in amazement of God’s creation and try to capture it from every angle so it’s never forgotten.

Or sit on the porch at sunset and try your darnedest to forever attach this view to your new favorite song. (No, it’s definitely not Taylor Swift…it’s also definitely not named after my favorite month, which today just happens to be the first day of…)

I also happen to be reading “The Ruthless Elimination of Hurry” by John Mark Comer. (Not done with it yet, but so far I highly recommend it!)

I had the same number of hours in this week as last and the one before that. The reason this week was so much better was because even though I had every excuse to make it a terrible week, I prioritized things that bring me joy. Because I labeled it a self-care week, I was more conscious of incorporating activities that fed my soul. Not to say that I didn’t have unpleasant moments, too–hello, covid test, fussy children and anxious parent.

July was mostly about pushing through. Pushing through hard situations and emotions and constantly putting myself out there (without actually putting myself out there) in pursuit of growth. This week was about being present. Plans went out the window and I didn’t know if I was going to be able to make any plans moving forward, so I was forced to sit in the present and find the joy.

And as it turns out, I learned way more about myself by sitting in the present than I ever did in the pursuit of growth. Instead of constantly trying to find myself, I sat with myself and observed.

I have no idea what this month or week will bring, but as things inevitably return to “normal,” I’m going to try to spend more time observing than searching. If authenticity is the goal, how can I ever get there without observation?